It took an episode of Secret Life for me to realize what I should have said to you all along. You should not have sex with him. I know you’re madly in love, but you don’t have to express that love by having sex. I know you have birth control and condoms, so you’re prepared, but you’re not ready. I wish I had had the strength and courage to say these things to you before, but I was scared to approach such a vulnerable area. You only have one first time, and this shouldn’t be it. It should be later, when you’ve been together a while and know what you want from each other. When you KNOW that he loves you, because he’s expressed it without a time limit on how long you have to be together or how long you’ll have to be apart. With no pressure on either of you. It should be something you give each other, not something you offer to get closer to him. I’m terrified for you and the consequences of what doing this will hold for you for the next few years. I only pray you listen to the voice inside that’s telling you it’s not time. Regardless, I’ll be here to hold your hand and help you through the complications that will come whether you decide to go through with it or not. I only pray he doesn’t break your heart thoughtlessly, because I’ll have to break his spine. I love you so very much. I just hope I can find the right things to say if you go through with this….

“There’s only so much I can do.” I HATE those words. You use them as an excuse for your parenting missteps and to recuse yourself from even TRYING to make a difference. You gave up years ago, and now you spend all your time playing catch up, and only with things other people can see. You’ll hound about how they behave outside the house, and about their school work, but that’s where it ends. I love my sister, but she’s a bitch. She’s a kleptomaniac and has no conscience, and you’re excusing everything she does and refusing to hold her accountable has made any inherent problems even worse. You work hard at your job, I’m not trying to say that you don’t, but you expend little to no effort at home. You spend the majority of your time sitting in front of the computer playing online games, while they run around doing what they want, and your surprised when they act out. I know that those ten years living with him were hell. It was hell for all of us, more so for others of us than you, but hell none the less. But this doesn’t mean that four years later, you can still claim to be burnt out and excusing their behavior. You’ve created these helpless, impaired children who will be living with you for a very long time. I hope you realize what you’ve done. I’ve been parenting them since I was nine years old, and I’m exhausted. I’m tired of fighting you, and coming to you when I see that they need help and guidance and all you ever seem to give me is “there’s only so much I can do” and more excuses. Get off your ass and be a parent. Maybe if you spent less time controlling me and more time parenting them, they would be the people they should be. 

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous about going to the doctor to get blood work done. I have a bit of a bad feeling about the outcome. I haven’t been this fatigued in a really long time. Not since I had mono in high school three different times. 

I love you, probably more than I have ever loved someone who is not actually in my family, but sometimes you say things without really thinking about how they sound. When you offered up what I call your mom, and it upset me, I don’t think you realized why it upset me, as you went on to say “you’re not the only one who calls her that.” as if to justify you giving something away that wasn’t really yours to give in the first place. In a way, I was already feeling vulnerable. I adore my friends, but when I bring them into that house, it’s like bringing them into my heart, and so I’m a little on guard. Your home, your family, is the one place where I have always felt safe, welcome, loved, and truly the most like myself. I cherish the way that I feel valued and adored when I am there. I still have so many self esteem issues that I have to deal with, chiefly this fear that I could be replaced at any moment. And as she continued to click with your family, I felt more and more set aside, even though this was all happening in my head. When you cavalierly offered up her nickname, in my head it was like you were giving away my place. Like you were giving away my relationship with her as well. And it hit me really hard. We always say that we can talk about and tell each other anything, but when I attempted to state my feelings, you just talked down and minimized me, and that hurt. That’s why I got quiet. That’s why I went outside. I was sitting in the one spot I’ve found in the yard where I can’t be seen from the house. I was trying not to, but I was crying and i needed someone outside the situation that I could talk to without feeling judged or anxious, or like I was going to say the wrong thing and mess something up. And it was as I talked through everything I was feeling that I realized all that I’ve previously said, and I came to understand that I had given a name far too much power. Anyone can call her Momma Wendy, but nobody can take my place or the relationship that I have with her, or you for that matter. She tells me all the time “you can be replaced you know….well no, not really. It’s not possible.”, but I’m still finding my way towards  and holding true to that. I’m not angry or even hurt anymore. I was. I was wounded in that moment. But as I look back, I see that what I saw happening, was never what you intended, and that makes everything feel so much better.